I have a problem. My problem is that I get depressed when I don’t get things done. It normally starts with laziness, or maybe some self-destructive habit, but what ends up happening is I will spend a day doing nothing constructive. Then, I will get depressed about not doing anything constructive. This causes me to not do anything. Anyone see the progression? Anyone see the spiral? This happens to me from time to time. It hurts those who I love and I end up not accomplishing the things that matter. It affects my ministry, it affects my marriage, and it affects my relationship with G-d. I have been in one of these spirals since about two months after going to Australia. I came home from Australia with a new outlook on life . An outlook that realized that I have so little time and so much life I can be living in that time. I realized that it is not where I am but how I am living that matters. Then slowly the pattern started to emerge. I would not do anything, and then get upset about not doing anything. Then Allison would notice me not doing anything and I would get defensive about not doing anything, which would turn to excuses and truth stretching, which would turn into lies, which would make me hate myself even more.
Now, I had my good days. I would have good periods, but it was all just temporary. I would still feel the same, it would just be that there would be some obligation or a momentary desire to have my wife be afectionate. In the end it all boiled down to selfishness. I was selfish and didn’t want to overextend or even extend for that matter.
But something in the warm weather, dark nights, and late night street conversations changed that. After a wonderful conversation with my close friend Khalil, a late night drive searching for lightning, and then a beautifully warm day I realized how stupid I have been. Hopefully it lasts. As Allison put it today, “hopefully that (the old lazy me) becomes the weird me.” I am sick of being that person. I am sick of not pulling my weight and pulling those around me down. I am sick of being so lazy that I am hurting those that I am supposed to be helping with my ministry. I am sick of hurting G-d through my inability to do what I ought.
I am off that spiral. I hesitate to say things will be different. I have said this before, about many different things. I just hope that I can hold on to this. To stay focused and actually work to being more selfless.