I always feel like I have to follow up my maniacal ramblings with a more structured post, almost to say “Hey! I am not all crazy, promise!” Also I find it breaks up the ramblings and makes this something more than unintelligible angsty nonsense. I find I am also more prone to writing once I get out all of my frustrations and pains in that form. It frees me, scary as that may seem. Another thing to note about my writing style is that I find myself staring at the word count, almost as if the more words I type makes me smarter or something. Perhaps if I focused more on my thoughts and writing them here, I would generate more natural writing. That is, if my writing is contrived as is, which I dearly hope it is not. Enough silly analysis of my writing style. Man, I must be schizophrenic, arguing with myself and all on my blog…Moving on.
I have been on a path of betterness recently, at least in my diet and activeness. I take regular hikes with my wife, have dropped pop from my diet (almost entirely) and have traded my potato chips for veggie crisps. I eat a lot less in general and am trying to start up more exercise. It has been a fun first week. I now can only hope that I will continue this betterness plan into all the areas of my life. I find myself desiring to go back into sloth mode when it comes to my life. I can easily lean on my low self image and play the failure game. It’s quite easy to give up it seems. Yet, after venting and clearing my head I have a strange sense of clarity. A realization that there is something far greater for me out there and I need to embrace it in all aspects of my life. I need to stop relying on others to win these battles for me. People suck. They will fail you. Me and G-d need to take this messed up thing I call my life and come up with a way to keep it going good. I always start right. Whether its good eating or bible reading or being more productive. But it seems I lack the perseverance and discipline to keep it going. I feel like an amoeba, stretching and retracting. I only hope that each time I get larger and never fall all the way back to where I was.
I have been reading a lot on atheism and universalism. I love Allister McGraths studies of Atheism and Richard Dawkins. They are absolutely wonderful. I am currently reading “The Twilight of Atheism” which has a wonderful account of the history and decline of atheist thought in western civilization. I have also been looking at Christian Universalism, something considered my many to be heresy. It claims that everyone is ending up in heaven, because of the all encompassing power of G-d’s grace and love. I find it to be intriguing. I can’t yet endorse it for I find there justification for certain verses is worse that my offhand comments. I am just starting to work on figuring out what I think about salvation. It’s one of those things that I find to be beautifully mysterious, and I want to gain more knowledge of the mystery, not solve it, for then what is the point right?
That’s all for now. It’s late.