*clears throat* and now a real post

I always feel like I have to follow up my maniacal ramblings with a more structured post, almost to say “Hey! I am not all crazy, promise!” Also I find it breaks up the ramblings and makes this something more than unintelligible angsty nonsense. I find I am also more prone to writing once I get out all of my frustrations and pains in that form. It frees me, scary as that may seem. Another thing to note about my writing style is that I find myself staring at the word count, almost as if the more words I type makes me smarter or something. Perhaps if I focused more on my thoughts and writing them here, I would generate more natural writing. That is, if my writing is contrived as is, which I dearly hope it is not. Enough silly analysis of my writing style. Man, I must be schizophrenic, arguing with myself and all on my blog…Moving on.

I have been on a path of betterness recently, at least in my diet and activeness. I take regular hikes with my wife, have dropped pop from my diet (almost entirely) and have traded my potato chips for veggie crisps. I eat a lot less in general and am trying to start up more exercise. It has been a fun first week. I now can only hope that I will continue this betterness plan into all the areas of my life. I find myself desiring to go back into sloth mode when it comes to my life. I can easily lean on my low self image and play the failure game. It’s quite easy to give up it seems. Yet, after venting and clearing my head I have a strange sense of clarity. A realization that there is something far greater for me out there and I need to embrace it in all aspects of my life. I need to stop relying on others to win these battles for me. People suck. They will fail you. Me and G-d need to take this messed up thing I call my life and come up with a way to keep it going good. I always start right. Whether its good eating or bible reading or being more productive. But it seems I lack the perseverance and discipline to keep it going. I feel like an amoeba, stretching and retracting. I only hope that each time I get larger and never fall all the way back to where I was.

I have been reading a lot on atheism and universalism. I love Allister McGraths studies of Atheism and Richard Dawkins. They are absolutely wonderful. I am currently reading “The Twilight of Atheism” which has a wonderful account of the history and decline of atheist thought in western civilization. I have also been looking at Christian Universalism, something considered my many to be heresy. It claims that everyone is ending up in heaven, because of the all encompassing power of G-d’s grace and love. I find it to be intriguing. I can’t yet endorse it for I find there justification for certain verses is worse that my offhand comments. I am just starting to work on figuring out what I think about salvation. It’s one of those things that I find to be beautifully mysterious, and I want to gain more knowledge of the mystery, not solve it, for then what is the point right?

That’s all for now. It’s late.

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Reality:Ramblings 6/3/09

It swirls and sways. Past the point of visualization, undulating so close you can taste it. It’s an ever changing, solely static truth I will only be fortunate enough to have a glimpse of. Reality is nothing short of mind boggling. It is my deepest desire to understand that which cannot be understood. Some would say this is horribly fallacious, or perhaps at best just a pointless endeavor, but I find it to be so freeing. Learning that I can not learn, or so it seems…It’s 3am, and I am lonely. Not just to paraphrase the song it seems, I sit alone wondering if things will change. Wondering if I will change. Wondering if I will actually accomplish anything. I feel so tired, yet still can’t sleep. No clowns around here cap-i-tan…just me and my broken self image. Its never what you think it will be. I am never what you think I am. We live in a culture that teaches us bullshit, or rather how to do so well. We never actually feel anything, we just wear the face that tells the story we ought. Where am I, what am I? neither questions nor statements. What am I actually feeling? Or is this all a big charade to gain some sort of fucking sympathy. All of these bastards have taken his place. He’s forgotten but not yet gone. It feels good to be the scapegoat. Let the blame fall, let it fall down. It will always be my fault. It will always be my decision. I chose to leave, forget the will of my G-d……let it go. Let it go. let it go…yet I can’t shake this. I need resolution. I thought I had resolution….We have found the next enemy for us to take up arms against. Bring down those who support the enemy. yes indeed you do sound a lot like westboro baptist. At the core you are one in the same. How does it feel? And when did our fellow man become the enemy? They know we are Christians by are hate and prejudice….dammit all. I can’t get behind this. Let this be a lesson, not a code…let this be confusion, like all that surrounds us. If I wanted you to figure me out you would…….

There is no congruency, except chaos.

There is no truth but You.

There is no god but G-d.