New Blog

I decided that I enjoyed writing posts like that last two so much that I would start a blog dedicated to that type of writing. It is here:

http://onbeingafather.wordpress.com/

I will still continue to write on this blog, when I find time. It will continue to be focused on Philosophy, Theology, and Life. Check out the other one if you wish.

That is all for now.

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The light at the end of the tunnel

We made it. Through the struggle and the storm. Our darkest hour, turned to light in the blink of an eye.

Oh to hear your cries. The moment we knew, that first sound. Nothing will ever come close to that – except for you of course – It cut through the noise, the worry, the frustration, the anger, the pain. Nothing else mattered, nothing at all. Welcome to the world, little man. Your day has come, and not a moment to soon. There is work to be done, things to be seen. The sky got a little bigger today. It knows your potential. It worries that it could limit you. So it grew, bigger and bigger, as you stretch your little arms.

Every thing you do, opening your eyes to see the world, a view as untainted, yet so limited. It’s almost sad to think that there is nothing i can do to keep you so innocent, so pure. Holding you makes it hard to believe in original sin, you know. To hold innocence, and to think this innocence is destined for hell, fuck that. Fuck that right in the face.  He is my angel.

All those songs, all those illustrations. All those times told, you will understand once you have kids….they were under-exaggerating at best. Everything is has changed. Color is brighter, once i saw your eyes. Music, sweeter. Gless still sucks, but its okay, because you dont – save for when you eat, you Caterpillar – you don’t at all. Wiggle your way into my brain, keeps me smiling when the hard rain fills my pockets.

I have been transformed. Everything is different now, yet everything is the same. I have transcended, I am still me, but a different me, a lighter me. I float a little every step it take. You make me float, my boy. You make me float.

Being a dad, there are no words to adequately describe it, so I think its time i stop trying and just go back…….to you.

My little Caterpillar.

Plastic Furniture

Plastic Furniture. No matter how nice you make it, it still squeaks. The squeaks keep the sick awake. Why would you want to keep the sick awake? Every little movement, squeaks away another chance for peace. Alexi Murdoch understands. He understands that he sick need sleep. That the tired need to rest, under that orange sky. That those who have been working, working, working….need a break.

But their break has been interrupted, by plastic furniture.

I wish i could just stand, or lay on the floor, but my bones are heavy. My spirit is weak. Every step, my feet feel like falling into the floor. Until I blend in with the wood. But i have to be strong. I need to be strong. Even though I want to melt into the hardwood floors, and disappear, I must be a rock. Steady and strong. I hide my tears in a corner, to keep everyone safe.

Fucking doctors. All they care about is time. Not the wellbeing or the concerns of their patients. When did caretakers become assembly line workers. Put this piece here, cut this piece out. We can have your baby in under an hour. Fucking impatient, is all. cant sit still, cant let the life inside make its way into the world. Cut it up and throw it out. No care for their patients. No care at all. Even the good ones put you on a timetable. Waiting to carve up the turkey. Caretakers, I see no caretakers, save the nurses. Those whos paycheck does not determine the way they treat you. They are here because they care, not because they want your savings.

Its good to see you sleep. Resting. You worked so hard. So very very hard. You were strong, but this weight was too big for you. You did you best, and dont ever forget that. You did your very best, and i could not be more proud. I will tell the generations of your strength, my love.

The machines laugh at our frustration. Buzzing and clattering in delight.

The grey sky gets it. Its singing along with my blues. But things will get better. This day will not weigh so heavily on me soon. The light will shine, the wizard will appear, the rock will be overturned….and all will be made right. Through new life.

Oh my precious child, how I longingly wait for your arrival. I wrote you a song, its not very good, but it has heart. It has soul. It has blood, sweat, pain, tears, happiness, and time all blended together. Though it may not be difficult, and it may not be unique, it is true. It is my soul, ripped from my essence, onto the keys. Take a look inside, son, and know how much your daddy loves you. How much your daddy cant wait to see you, to hold you, to watch you.

Plastic furniture is squeaky, but you can wipe the tears away. Maybe thats why they keep it in these rooms. So that the tears can be wiped away.

Tears of joy, tears of joy.

Alone

I’m not allowed to feel this way. I’m not allowed to be. I must be strong and kind and brave….instead i feel empty.

If only you knew how alone I feel…

I’m not allowed to cry no more. I have to be the man. My feelings just make me fail you, and scare away my friends.

If only you knew how alone I feel…

I’m supposed to feel this way. my anger is not true. My pain just can’t find a way out. I don’t know what to do.

If only you knew how alone I feel.

I never mean to hurt you. My words fall out of place. I fuck up every beautiful thing. nothing more than a disgrace.

If only you knew how alone I feel.

And everyone will take this. and twist it to their minds. am i just whining, or is it just an excuse. Or just weak and out of line.

If only someone knew how alone I feel.

My friends fall away.

If only someone knew how alone I feel.

My family falls away.

If only someone knew how alone I feel

My life falls away.

If only someone knew how alone I feel.

Don’t you fall away.

Don’t you fall away.