Things have been rough for me and to make matters worse, I am not keen on public complaining. Even when it’s not complaining, but just being honest, I still have a hard time with it. Every time I write something about myself that isn’t positive on Twitter, I feel like an asshole. I just feel like someone is going to assume there is some nefarious motive behind it, and the thought of someone thinking of me like that is just super uncomfortable.
But, here I can be more honest. I don’t publicly share these journal blog posts. I mean, the blog is public, but I don’t go out of my way to get this into anyone’s hands. If you are reading this, you chose to be here. It removes a lot of the possibility of it being a show.
All that being said, things have been rough. I recently got a few rejection emails for various projects and jobs I had been pursuing. I didn’t have a lot of hope in them in the first place, so it wasn’t that big of a disappointment. But it sure makes following up on these new leads a lot harder.
I feel like I have this one skill that I can use to take care of myself and those I love, and if I can’t find a way to do that, I really don’t have many options. I feel fairly useless outside of music, which is one of the reasons I am so fragile when it comes to my craft. A fan recently told me that it should be “about the fun to make these videos…” And it is fun. Its more than fun. It’s the moments that I feel most alive. Putting songs together, especially when I let go of any expectations. When I can allow my brain to let go of everything and just dive deep into the sound, that is where I thrive. That is where I am well.
Then I push the submit button.
And comes the expectations. Not so much from the audience or the comments, but from myself. See, as much as I understand that I will probably never make it “big” with my channel, my goal is to support myself and my own off of my music. And my channel is a big part of my music right now. So, every video that doesn’t do well is a burden. How did I fail myself in sharing this? or was it just not good enough? This disrupts all aspects of my life. This wears me down.
And recently, for whatever reason, things have been slow.
And as much as I should focus on the positive, and push forward. It’s just fucking hard. It’s hard to see your goal get further out of your reach. It’s hard to see the future looking positive when I just feel stuck.
I went to an indie game con this last weekend. I met with developers, told them who I was. Got contacts. This week I am going to be sending out emails. I hope something comes of it. Something needs to come of it. I still have options in the future. A movie that I desperately hope gets funded, because it really is the dream. The perfect situation. I have a big opportunity for my channel that I am hopeful about coming up. I have friends who are super supportive and kind.
While I was at the game con, a developer was telling me about their most recent project, that needed a composer. I got excited when he started talking about the style he was going for. I got a card, and thought….this is my best lead of the day!
Then I saw that his last game was soundtracked by Disasterpiece. And I panicked. Completely panicked. Ready to run out of the convention and rip up all the business cards I had collected. Why? Because I realized that these people worked with real composers. And it’s really hard for me to convince myself that I am a real composer.
When I am alone in my studio, I am proud of my work. But put me in a room full of game developers, and in that moment when I see the people they work with, I immediately feel like a fraud. And I am totally convinced they can all see through me. They all know I am a joke, and just put on a smile when I tell them I am a composer looking for games to work on. They are just being nice to the loser in the room. And all of that collapsed onto me as I was standing in the middle of the convention.
The moment I got home, I had to take the business cards out of my pocket and put them away from me. It took a lot of strength to not throw them away. I was so broken. I felt so useless.
And that led to Sunday. Where I finally opened up a bit on twitter about how I feel worn out. I have no doubt the convention has something to do with it. I have no doubt my channel not growing the way I feel it should have something to do about it. I am worn out. I am discouraged. I am nervous. I am self-doubting.
But working on my next song helps.
Listening to Kamasi Washington on vinyl helps.
Playing with my son helps.
Holding my wife helps.
So, I am dealing. But, know. I am struggling.
I need to say this somewhere, otherwise I will get lost in my own thoughts. And I am worried where that would lead.
Post Script: Sorry if this is scatterbrained. Its not a formal essay or anything. Its a journal essay. So, I am just getting my thoughts out of my head.